And so it begins. No sooner had the Football Supporters Federation launched its comprehensive, informative and yet drolly-penned 150-page World Cup travel guide for England fans heading to Germany this summer, than the first paper on the scene, the never knowingly underwhelmed Evening Standard was hyping up the horror of Government and FA-backed body thrusting upon potential hooligans a FREE guide to the best BARS, where they could, y'know, get DRUNK and all kinds of mean, nasty stuff...Not that any hacks would ever venture into a licensed premises with the intention of supping beyond the legal drink-drive limit, oh now.
Sorry, let me try that again: Not that any hacks would need any pointers on where to become blotto, whether this side of the Maginot Line or the next...
But the FSF's lovingly-researched Lonely Planet alternative - available free on request but also sampled online, happily - does deserve a deeper reading, not just for all the boring-yet-essential stuff about accommodation, public transport, passport requirements, health and safety advice, and the like...
Nor even for the anorak-style approach to deconstructing each host city's stadia, local supporters' clubs and English teams' historical records abroad...
No - quite frankly, you might think it was beyond the call of duty for a solidly football-themed institution, yet they've endeavoured to research and recommend such unlikely attractions for the 100,000 English fans expected in Germany as (ahem):
* The birthplace of garden gnomes in Erfurt.
* Not only the Giraffe Museum in Dortmund, but the same lucky city's Cookery Book Museum.
* The Potato Dumplings Museum in Thuringia.
* The Lederhosen Museum in Munich.
* A Berlin bar called Klo - German for 'Loo' - where the Bratwurst comes served in large chamberpots.
* A chance for female fans to 'get their own back on their partners' at Hamburg's Condomerie, where they can 'try on the giant condom for size. Needless to say, it fits few and embarrasses many.'
* Or in the same city, and perhaps most bizarrely baffling, the first European performances of
Dirty Dancing: The Stage Show. Yes, the England supporters' club sees fit to provide the travelling 'barmy army' with an internet link for the performance's box office.
Just in case the Germany 2006 ticket-meisters don't manage to get their act together after all, I suppose.
Or to provide some strange consolation after England's customary penalty shoot-out misery...
Though, to be honest, bearing in mind the 'passion' and tactical approach shown by Sven's side in qualifying, even the Cookery Book Museum could start to sound exciting by the time June arrives...
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