Fffffffff--------iddle-dee-dee.....

Pity the boy who's just been fined £80 for sweet FA. That is, for simply swearing within earshot of a particularly prudish police officer, who promptly issued him with a fixed penalty notice for offending her ears. Which puts the crime on a par with hurling stones at a train, throwing fireworks or being drunk and disorderly.
As even the Reverend Ian Gregory, founder of the Campaign For Courtesy, told me this afternoon: "If everyone using the F-word was fined £80, we could wipe out our national debt. Gordon Brown would be laughing..."
Barry Fry would go bankrupt, Derek and Clive albums would cost thousands of pounds apiece, and - one mild silver lining - Chris Moyles would be a little lighter of wallet if nothing else...

Should anyone now be struggling for alternative abusive epithets, though, may I recommend a little investigation of the obscure Zambian footballer and Portsmouth squad striker Collins Mbesuma, whose references suggest he is more than just a set of alarmingly impressive gnashers...

Enjoyable enough is the gushing paean of praise to a player not even "'Onest 'Arry" Redknapp has been desperate enough to throw into Pompey's Premiership struggle for survival. Though I must admit being a little baffled by the drift into a straining political rant you thankfully don't tend to find in, say, David Pleat's Chalkboard...

But the really, superbly sweet'n'sour stuff is to be found in the Collins Mbesuma guestbook, as all valiant attempts to rationally discuss Collins and other Zambian news and sports issues are brutally buried under the barrage of choice seemingly-stream-of-consciousness insults...

Just a few of my favourites:
* upon the belly of Buddha I swear, falagotta, I will have you removed from society if you continue to sound so stupid.
* you are just another brain washed villager. you son of a hippo.
* People will be able to tell who is a homosexual between you and me. The fact that you mentioned it, you are such a one.
* People sending messages to this site are definitely straight from hell. Lucifer does not come close to your abuse!
* this is exactly why I described you as the biggest dummy who ever banged on a keyboard with your fat fingers to post your nonsense on this web page. You first came out with a high and mighty attitude and then you proceed to display behavior like that of a confused warthog. If you got nothing better to say, just shut your trap, porky boy.

So think on. And remember, don't let your imagination and expressiveness be bound by the admittedly-tempting limits of our tired old Anglo-Saxon cursing.

For myself, if I can't crowbar into conversation the phrase 'You son of a hippo' by the end of this week, I shall be quite frankly disgusted with myself...