"Stop messin' about..."

The announcement of a new Carry On film, Carry On London, will perhaps not quite lead to plentiful rejoicing in the streets, even for those diehard fans who have been waiting a long time for a new Carry On film and might be correspondingly anxious for someone - anyone - to, er, give them one...
Shane Richie, Victoria Silvstedt and Vinnie Jones, though...?
Do me a lemon...



Here, instead, are just a few favourite gags from the originals, which in some cases even come across slightly better in print than in the too-too-hammy performance... (sometimes, that is...)
Some are truly terrible, others rather charmingly, simply silly...

* from Carry On Cleo (1964)
Kenneth Williams, as Julius Caesar: 'Infamy, infamy! ... They've all got it infamy!'

* from Carry On Don't Lose Your Head (1966)
Kenneth Williams, as Citizen Camembert: 'I'm Camembert! I'm the big cheese!'

Dany Robin, as Jacqueline: 'I would do anything for you. Anything. Your wish is my command, and your desire is my desire.'
Sid James, as the Black Fingernail: 'Really? Methinks if I play my cards right, I might be onto a good thing here.'

* from Carry On Screaming! (1966)
Harry H Corbett: 'This ear was found in Slocombe woods.'
Fenella Fielding: 'What, this ear?'
Harry H Corbett: 'Yes, that there.'

* from Carry On Doctor (1967)
Bernard Bresslaw: 'Nurse, I dreamt about you last night.'
Anita Harris: 'Did you?'
Bernard Bresslaw: 'No, you wouldn't let me.'

* from Carry On Up The Khyber (1968)
Kenneth Williams, as the Khasi of Kalabar unimpressed by the performing fakir: 'Bring on the dancing girls. Get rid of this idiot.'
Bernard Bresslaw, as Bungdit Din: 'Fakir! Off!'

* from Carry On Camping (1969)
Charles Hawtrey: 'Hello. What's a nice girl like you doing with an old cow?'
Sally Kemp: 'I'm taking her to the bull.'
Charles Hawtrey: 'Well, couldn't your father do that?'
Sally Kemp: 'No, it must be the bull.'

* from Carry On Again Doctor (1969)
Charles Hawtrey: 'There have been several incidents with nurses.'
Kenneth Williams: 'Oh come, come, Stoppidge - you know as well as I that all young doctors indulge in a bit of jiggery-pokery.'
Charles Hawtrey: 'Sir, I do not object to jiggery but I take exception to pokery!'

Jim Dale: 'That's a good skeleton. Did the last doctor leave it here?'
Sid James: 'That is the last doctor.'

Joan Sims: 'They told me you were a wonderful surgeon.'
Kenneth Williams: 'Well, I suppose I am a cut above the rest.'

* from Carry On Up The Jungle (1970)
Frankie Howerd: 'I'm flabbergasted. My gast has never been so flabbered.'

* from Carry On At Your Convenience (1971)
Sid James: 'How about some food?'
Hattie Jacques: 'Well, I could make you some beans on toast or something?'
Sid James: 'No, nothing too elaborate, thank you.'

* from Carry On Abroad (1972)
Sid James: 'Oh, have a heart darling, you know I need this holiday. You wouldn't want me to go without it just because she's going to be there.'
Joan Sims: 'If she's going to be there, you won't be going without it!'

* from Carry On Matron (1972)
Hattie Jacques: 'I'm a simple woman with simple tastes, and I want to be wooed.'
Kenneth Williams: 'Oh, you can be as "wude" as you like with me.'

* from Carry On Girls (1973)
Barbara Windsor: 'It's not her fault she has to wear a falsie.'
Sid James: 'What do you mean, "a" falsie?'
Barbara Windsor: 'She's got one bigger than the other.'
Sid James: 'Is that right?'
Barbara Windsor: 'No, left.'

Joan Sims: 'It's your girls I'm talking about - I've heard them all night long, doors banging ... '
Sid James: 'Blimey, when you've got young dollies around you have to expect a bit of banging.'
Joan Sims: 'Well, I expect you to get them into bed at a reasonable hour.
Sid James: 'I promise you, I'll do my very best.'